I am tired. We cleaned the attic, just as on the other days of the week. My husband started on Monday, I joined in on Tuesday.
All week I suffer from low self-esteem. I am excusing myself all the time, driving my husband crazy. "What is wrong with you?", he asks several times a day.
Tarot is meant to give insight, so I picked a card with the question "What causes my low selfesteem right now? I pulled The Hierophant from the Baroque Bohemian Cats Tarot.
The Hierophant represents the dominating culture, the rules, regulations, and institutionalized religion.
This cat gives orders, it is telling me to adjust to the rules of what to do and how to behave. The problem is, I do not always adjust to the rules (who is..), but some voice in me -which speaks very loud- finds that I ought to do that. This week it was the cleaning of the attic that caused this internal conflict. I am not such a cleaner (who is...), but some part in me finds that really bad. And when my husband starts cleaning the attic, and I have to do other things, I am feeling guilty, and that does not stop, whatever he says.
This is a typical topdog, underdog situation (a theme in Gestalt therapy). The top-dog, the authority figure in me, represented by the Hierophant on the card, is ordering me to clean the attic. The underdog, who wants to escape this, is finding excuses not to do it. It would be insightful to do the Topdog Underdog Spread I developed for our Tarot and Dreams course this fall. Then I would know more of who these parts of my personality are, what they have to say to me, and what would help me to get out of this tie.
In any case, I feel a lot better now we are finished.