For a few days already I am exploring my relation with Maria in her motherhood. The earlier entries are on November 23 and 24. I find it difficult to relate to her as a mother, because I am a grown-up, I do not want to be a helpless child. I can skip this problem of course and focus on another aspect of Maria, or go to another goddess, but well, Maria as a mother is a very important image in Christianity, and there are just a few female images, so I find that I cannot do that without some exploration first. So, Yesterday I pulled a card to show me my resistance against seeing Maria as a divine mother for me. I pulled Nine of Spears, the equivalent of Nine of Wands. This card made me suspect a wound that causes my resistance. Today I have explored this wound that is lying behind my resistance.
I have received The Wounded King from the Arthurian Tarot (the equivalent of the Hanged Man) as an image of this wound. The card is the image of a wound itself. King Arthur is depicted lying on a bed, waiting to be healed. In the story he cannot heal himself, but must wait until someone else does it by asking the right Grail-question. He is lying there as a helpless child. That is where all this started, I did not want be a helpless child. Mmmm, is this all the tarot can say about this?
When I looked at the card again my eyes kept going to banners at the back of the enclosed space. Images of identity, they are, proud and strong. I did not look at the King on the bed. I wondered why my eyes kept going to the banners. I had the idea that I was evading something. When you read alone with no one to guide you it is important being aware what you look at, feel the reactions in your body and ask yourself questions, So I asked myself: “How should I feel, lying there?” And I imagined myself that I was on that bed, in pain and stress. I also felt that when should relax, grief and tears would come up. That is what I did want to evade. I rather focus on the banners, signs of my proud identity, I’d rather be a proud warrior (Nine of Spears, Nine of Wands, than feel pain and sorrow.
So, what is the trouble I have with Maria as a Divine mother to me? I can give an answer to that now. Lying helpless in her arms gets me in to contact with grief, sadness and tears. Something that I do not want to come into contact with.
Painting: Andrea Solario, Madonna with the Green Cushion.