January 31st, 2007

Madonna del "Magnificat" (detail)

Coping (Imbolc)


                                  

Yesterday I had to go by bus, and it was the first time in months that I did not have to take a book with me for the preparation of my Inner Child course for counsellors. It seems to me that for ages I have taken books and a notebook with me (always horrified that I would loose the notebook at one time of another, I never got around to write it down somewhere else, all notes were in this one notebook): a sign that I have had a big workload for a long time.

I do not want to have so much stress in the coming autumn and winter. That is what I whished for the day before yesterday in these days leading up to Imbolc.

It could of course be a coincidence that I have been so busy this season; that I on one lucky evening in the beginning of last year I was too enthusiast and creative, which resulted in too many courses, but I do not think it is like that. I think it is something more permanent. Will my wish -not being too busy- be coming true, I must look into the reason why I am planning too much, why I am too busy. Again I’ve used the Motherpeace Tarot for an answer to my question. 

                              

Thing is, being busy is one of my coping strategies in life. It fights off depression. Octopusses fight of predators by ejecting ink. I, as the octopus on the card, secrete ink. 'Being busy' is my ink. By being busy I protect myself against the harmful predator of depression. This is a deeply felt need. It is a conviction also. It souds as follows: "By being busy I ward off depression!" 

So, I am having an inner conflict here: on the hand I really long for rest and being less busy, but on the other hand I am afraid that being less busy will not do me good, I expect it will make me sad.

Eight of Cups is card of feeling, of searching deep and searching for your core, so it is not the case that I ward of all of my feelings by keeping busy; certainly not. Preparing for new courses and teaching does bring me in contact with myself and my inner core. It does fights off some feelings as: melancholy, sadness, missing direction in life. I need direction and warding off sadness, I do not want to hear my ears ringing all day long, for example, but still… it makes me so tired.

And for my daughter I will certainly try not to be away so many nights at a row in one week.