June 29th, 2007

Madonna del "Magnificat" (detail)

A Fresh Perspective of Disease: Card 3

I am still doing the spread “A Fresh Perspective of Disease” by Christine Jette. Yesterday I tried to do a visualiation of a Wise Being which did not work out well. Today I tried it again. I went in my imagination to an angelic island, but no Wise Being came to tell me something about my life purpose and my illnesses and limitations. I had pulled a card already with that question, and I went in my imagination into the card, wanting to have an answer, pushing for an answer really. As if the experience on the angelic island did not tell me that I had too find my own meaning… But stubborn me, I did it anyway. The card that I had pulled was the Hierophant from the Victorian Romantic Tarot, and that was the card that I entered. 

In my visualisation It was stuffy in the house of the Hierophant, an Islamic teacher in the Victorian Romantic Tarot. I felt that I did not fit in. I felt tall, white and felt strange, coming from another century. Suddenly I grew taller and taller. I grew way above the card and the house of the Hierophant. I did not like that at all, felt really ashamed, thought I was an arrogant person, being that tall. I was like a tall, lean rubber puppet. I was too tall really. Suddenly I shrank and I sat as one of the boys at a table. That was nice, because I fitted in, and I felt that I belonged there. A smile came on my face, visualizing this.

What does this say about my illnesses and limitations and the purpuse of my life? Am I rebuked by my illnesses and limitations for feeling too ‘big’, too ‘tall’? Is it something that I do to myself, as a punishment for being too educated, or feeling smarter than others? Or is this all just an illusion or me being angry at myself about it, and is there another interpration possible? I do not know. I hope a dream will shed some light on it.