This entry is the following-up of my last post about St.Michaël, whose Feast Day it is. I have said that I would in this entry pull a card to the question: "What part of my inner child am I ashamed of, which part do I want to kill off?"
I hope I am not offending anyone with the violence of this question (it is my own blog, but still, some people read it). I do think these drives, instincts and protection-mechanisms are kind of extreme, not at all mild, sweet or rational.
The card I have pulled as an answer to the question is Five of Swords from the Inner Child Cards.
In this card we see a boy sitting on a slippery, small rock nearby an island with a raft on it. The boy is examining his surroundings. In this deck the fives symbolize the human being, the five of swords represents the faculty of examining, doing research with the mind.
What is the meaning of this card for me regarding to the question? What part of my inner child am I ashamed of, so much that I want to deny and kill it? What I want to 'kill off' is the feeling of being little, and because of that, not in control, feeling out in the dark guessing, being afraid something scary will happen, a monster coming out of the sea for instance, and feeling helpless. The shame is the disappointment of not being as powerful as I thought I was (something that belongs to children: thoughts of grandiosity, which are constantly frustrated, so the ego can build up).
Knowing it is better to let this part of my inside child live then repress it, what is my task now? What is the need of this boy? I think it would be good to give some space to this little boy, to have room to acknowledge his fear when I feel it, and not put it down, tell it it is safe now, that I am able to cope with difficult circumstances.