For the last time I post an entry about Maria as a divine mother, and how I relate to her. At least, I think it shall be the last entry. I must say I jump from one aspect of this issue to another, because for a second day in a row I talk about a card I have pulled earlier. I do not want to skip this card, it shows me my most important survival-mechanism; it has its benefits, but also its shadowsides.
A few days ago I explored my resistance against Maria as a divine mother for me. I found out that I was afraid for my sorrow, my sadness, and I was afraid I would loose touch with my identity, with who I am. In other words: I was afraid that I would fall apart in those caring arms.
Somewhere in that process I have pulled a card with the question: “What would comfort me?” The card I have pulled was Spear Maiden (Page of Wands) from the Arthurian Tarot. I have pulled this card for my relation to Maria as a maiden, in her youth, (at november 20th) and I could relate to Maria in her youth very well.
I recognize in the Spear Maiden, running through the woods my longing to be carefree. That is an important side of that card. Being carefree is not easy for me and I do encounter wounds in that. But this is not what I mean now.
I mean here another aspect of this card. In my life I can see the fastness of this girl and her aiming at a goal, as me being creative, as me developing a project. This is a very old way for me to comfort myself. It keeps my thoughts away from my worries. That is great, an important coping strategy. The best I have. Really a big comfort.
But, here comes the downside. If I carry this to the extreme, and do nothing else than running, developing projects, then it is a manner to hide myself; not taking responsibility for the pain and sadness there is in me. If I always run away from these uncomfortable feelings, than the comfort by the spear maiden is a false comfort. I have a tendency to run away. Oh yes.
I wonder how I relate to Maria in her sorrow, to Maria as a Mater Dolerosa.